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Day 158

 Unexpectedly the world changed. It closed. Coronavirus and Covid 19 changed everything. All of a sudden space my practice of living off  £700 a month suddenly became a stark reality and not something as experimental just for fun it is now September and I started to claim jobseekers allowance as I had never intended to find myself unable to find work I was merely practising the option of not working now I have no choice but to be unemployed even McDonald’s is closed for a time And no one is recruiting. I said, I always said, worst-case I can get a job at McDonald’s and have always worked; I used to work 5 am till 10 pm three different jobs and study for a degree. I’ve always worked and then suddenly I couldn’t it wasn’t available - so a whole new budget has to be practised and I get £75 a week jobseekers allowance £80 a month child benefit and the boys father pays just under £50 a week in maintenance So all in all it’s about £580 a month to live off and so new challenge has ar...

On my experiences with counselling

Sometimes, if not often, it felt like I was not being listened to. For example, in therapy, I described the men That had broken into my home and gang raped me as a little Girl while my mum and dad were at work. When giving their description the therapist said, “you have rules !?” And gave a little laugh as though these were rules as to what rapists would look like as opposed to a description of what they did look like. I guess you lose confidence in the therapy if you feel you are being fundamentally misunderstood or even being treated as though this isn’t a real thing, or a fear rather than something that actually happened, that was done to you. This is the same therapist who asked me, “what is the good thing about being raped?” And I have never yet worked out the answer to that, although 18 years have now passed.

I have never done anything wrong. I am not to blame - so there is no reason I should not publish this

I was gang raped when I was 11. This is the affect of a family that neglect their cHildren and use humiliation as discipline hiding away was so important. Growing up, that no one found out how we live. The neglect. And the shame of living in such a dirty place. And of course, being home alone. So you shouldn't answer the door. As commuters my parents weren't just at work nine to five. It was seven until seven or 9, especially as the chosen to open university degrees. In addition to their work in addition to the commuting. And of course run in the Students Association as well. Or the railway users Association, and all the other things They used to do politically. So, hiding away is habit that I've never even questioned. And I still want to run. If anyone is friendly. And more than that of course being gang raped. As a child, the pain, the humiliation, the shame. Fear. It was so important, no one found out, because of the shame. And because they told me that my daddy would go...

Day 31 FREEDOM

I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free I am free...

Day 25 Balance -£18.65

Day 24 -£18.65

Busy day. No outgoings. Balance -18.65

Day 23 Balance £27.34

Today the gas bill came out. It was £45.99. We are warm and housed and there is a weeks shopping in. The New Balance is - £18.65 Yet I am pleased. Facing the final week without any money left in the budget doesn’t seem at all bad when I am warm and housed and fed. So tomorrow I am leaving work as I know I can make a success of this budget and give more time to my son. I will be mainly eating porridge and baking cheese pie as it is a frosty day and I have surplus milk. I’ll also move my photos off my old phone to my computer today so as not to lose so many precious memories that have collated on it over the years.